So, I am doing my Saturday morning shopping. It seems I accidentally walked into the "National Bring Your screaming kids to the shops Day". Hmmm, I didn't see a sign advertising this anywhere...I know I didn't, because if I had seen the sign, then I would have surely avoided leaving the house today.
I by-pass all the shops parents use to baby sit their kids:- The $2 Shop, The Toy section of K-Mart & Target, EB Games, Kids Section of Borders & Dymocks, The "Cinema" room at Harvey Norman and basically anywhere that a Wii, PS3 or Xbox was setup in store for people to play.
I did pretty well avoiding the whiny assed-whingey-sooky la la -tantrum throwing – Squealing (***Shudder***)-snotty nosed-poopy scented- spoilt bratty feral kids and their respective "Deaf to the Cries & squealing of their Own Offspring" parents.
My trolley was full & I was next in line to be served by the checkout baby who was employed by the massively under staffed "National branded" supermarket.
Call it bad luck, call it karma or call it fate...But then "Hampton" and his Mum parked their trolley behind me. Clearly Hampton, had the grumbles and "Mum" was still putting on the "I am the Adult & I am IN control" face. "Get down Mummy...Get Down? Mummy, I wanna get down, MUUUummmmmy.....Mum...Mummy – I want to get dooooooownn...I wannaaaa...Muuuuuuuuummmmmmmyyyyyyy...Can I mum...can I get doooownnNNNN!"
"No Hampton honey- just sit in there for a bit longer"
" Mu U U u U Um m Y y y Y" *Insert image of child bouncing in seat*
"Stop it Hampton....Don't annoy Mummy while we are shopping".
"But I want to get down mummy"...*insert fakey cry* "I want to get doooown mummmmy...."
With a small sigh, Mummy pulls Hampton out of the trolley and light as a feather, puts him on the ground between me and the front of their trolley.
Hampton is now happy and immediately grabs the strategically placed Kinder Surprise and with a huge innocent look, gazes up at his Mum and says."Please Mummy?"
Mummy looks at her little miracle of creation and with a smile , a sweet little gaze back and as her gentle caring hand tucks back a strand of barely there pure blonde angelic looking hair on Hampton's forehead...Says..."Not today Hampton...Another day".
There!!! DID you see that?? Did you see what she DID!???.....She pressed the button. THE button....
The next thing I know – there is a ringing in my ears....No...Not a ringing- more of a squeeeling- nope that not right either....It's Like a "Ahhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee"....similar to the noise a high pitched dog whistle would make- only us humans can hear it clearly.
I look down and Hampton is standing stiff as a board...back arched, arms wedged by his side, eye contact locked in with his mother and he is sucking in the earth's atmosphere ,pressurising himself for what I can only imagine is gonna be the mother of all tantrums.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I know what's coming but panic hinders my ability to find my escape route. There is a shopping trolley in front of me- With Grandma & Grandpa Smith loading it up.....slowly. MY trolley is at the end of this checkout with half my groceries unloaded and half already scanned in. Hampton is behind me, with Hampton's trolley then Hamptons mum behind that. (What the..? She moved there fast! I didn't even see it happen....A little bit tooooo convenient me thinks!)
The windows vibrate. The dogs' four suburbs away cower in fear. The birds fall from the sky mid flight and somewhere...someone, ironically, have just found out they are going to be parents and are ecstatic.
My eardrums explode and every set of eyes in the shop- Nay...."the Universe" -Look at me. Clearly I am "the parent" as I am the adult standing next the child.
I look down and Hampton is on his back. He's type of turned a bright Scarletty orangy red, the Kinder Surprise is crushed in his hand, his legs are kicking like Thorpey at the Olympics and he is SKAREEEEMING over and over again...."I WAAaaaaaaannnT a Chockwaaaat".
With resignation, Hamptons Mum moves the trolley, stands him up and tries to reason with him. Uh huh...riiiiiight....
He flops down again and as his mother tries to pick him up, he goes horizontal in her arms and I feel all the eyes of the shop-Nay again...."The Universe"- shift from me to HER. Hamptons' arms and legs flail wildly and little bits of crushed Kinder Surprise sprinkle all over me and anything else in a 10 metre radius.
Hamptons mum says "Sorry- he should have been having his nap an hour ago" Well... I don't know if she actually says it out loud, I Think that's what she said because I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING!!!
I just give her a little tight lipped smile as I dust off the Kinder Surprise and I say in typical Aussie fashion..."Nah love, you're right..."
And this is the reply in my head...
"Are you kidding me lady? Its one hour past his Nap time and you are STILL out shopping?? What? He has his naps at random times each day and you can never tell when it's going to happen? Really? ... Just Like...Randomly?"
"Oh...and He's annoying YOU?? What the hell do you think he's doing to US, the normal people who aren't genetically LINKED enough to be able to IGNORE his whining? "
Then I would have gone all "Springer" on the onlookers...With the Waving finger and the head shake and the Big eyes and hand on the hip and everything....!
"Naah Uhhh...THAT *point with attitude* is Not Ma Child, No way No How! MY Child does NOT doooo THAT! MY Children are at home where they should be -**Glaring at Hamptons Mum** HAVING. THIER. NAP!!! -Like they Aaaaalways do at this time of day". *Insert over exaggerated wave of the arm with the pointy finger up and pointing in the general direction of home* *Snap fingers*
Then I would go all Bad Clint Eastwood mixed with Bad Jack Nicholson on cute lil Hampton....
I would pick him up by scruff of his shirt, pull his snotty little face next to mine-and he'd shut the hell up because he was all intimidated and scared ...and I'd say all gravelly voiced, yet quiet like- in his face.
"Your Mother said 'NO' kid...'NO'. And don't even think about that tantrum kid-because I'll tell you now...BAD Men LOOK for kids like you. Kids that cry and whine and whinge at their Mums in the shops because they Know if they STEAL that kid, that no-one's going to miss them......you know WHY? ....Hampton?...because the parents will have PEACE.AND.QUIET."
"Hell, Hampton... they may even have a Party to celebrate-with a cake and balloons and everything- They may even go get themselves another kid-a GOOD kid who doesn't whine and throw tantrums in the shop and make them all embarrassed."
So you just keep crying and whining and throwing those LOUD tantrums Hampton. The BAD men are watching you.
Then I would stand up-pay for my shopping –Tip my hat and say "Ma'am" to Grandma Smith. Then walk away.